Our community is grieving after the death of our dear friend Paul Erway. While I’ve touched on this topic before, now is a good time to revisit grief. What is grief, and how can we grieve well?
Grief honors and values a person
To not grieve is to deny a person’s importance.
I’ve shed a lot of tears in the past week. While I dislike crying, my expressed grief shows that I cared for and valued my friend.
To not grieve is saying that a person was not important to me. Sometimes, I’d prefer to shove aside the sadness and heartbreak, but it denies the importance of the people in my life.
And how shallow of a life must I live if I don’t grieve losses? Grief is a part of living and caring.
Share your grief
“Tears are a great gift,” Dr. Townsend says in Grief is a Matter of Honor. A gift always has a cost to the giver. For me, tears are giving up the appearance of looking strong. It’s being the one who receives support rather than the one who gives.
I’ve been able to share my grief with friends. Tears when Mary asked, “How are you doing?” A long hug when Emily and I knew death was near. Messages with friends trying to grapple with the death of a pillar of our community.
Grief looks different for each of us. But we’ve been able to share in our grief. There is comfort in grieving together.
No shame
There is no shame in grief. At least, there shouldn’t be.
When we “outlaw grief” – as Jonathan Trotter calls it – by shoving it away in a dark corner or gloss it over with feel-good sayings or Bible verses. We minimize the pain. Moving on – at some point – is part of the grieving process. But we need to move through grief, not skip over it or sidestep it.
When we avoid grief, we only bottle it up. It can become a powder keg of anger or a deep pit of depression. If grief turns into depression that doesn’t go away, it may be that we never really allowed ourselves to grieve.
Grief is more than death
Remember that we grieve other losses, too. The loss of independence after an injury. A broken marriage. Losing our identity. These, too, can be grieved. Read about this in An Unexpected Visit from Grief. If you want to join a group to learn more about loss, grief, transition, and finding meaning and purpose with disability, read more about The Journey groups.
A final word
So, let’s not push the grief and sadness to the side. I may not willingly embrace it. But I do want to acknowledge it. I want to recognize the value and importance of the people in my life.
I believe they deserve it.
A Tribute
“[Paul] fought the good fight, [he] finished the race, and [he] remained faithful.” (2 Timothy 4:7 NLT)
Paul Erway always had an encouraging word, a corny joke, and a smile to share. He demonstrated how to live big, share much, and help often. I’m grateful for our years of friendship and all I learned from him.
A timely message
Yesterday, I heard a beautiful message about the hope we can have. This was timely, but I was a mess of tears. I need to listen to it again. Maybe you do, too.
